Now, I've been telling jokes since before television had color, and I'll have you know my family groans at every single one of 'em. That's how I know they're working. A dad joke isn't measured in laughs, friend. It's measured in eye rolls. By that standard, these ten are pure gold. Grab a sweet tea, settle in, and try not to smile. I dare you.
1. The Fisherman
I told my grandson I used to be a fisherman, but I couldn't live on my net income. He didn't laugh. His daddy did, though, and that's the only review I need.
2. The Scarecrow
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. I tell this one every harvest season, and every harvest season my wife walks into the other room.
3. The Grill Master
I asked my brisket how it was feeling. It said, "Smoked." Speaking of which, if your dad's the one manning the pit, the Grill & BBQ collection has the gear to keep him smokin' too.
4. The Calendar
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. A librarian told me that one in 1971 and I've been chewing on it ever since.
5. The Garage
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own? It was two tired. I keep mine hanging on the pegboard in the garage right between the extension cord and the box of mystery screws.
6. The Elevator
I'd tell you a joke about an elevator, but it works on so many levels. That one's best told while actually riding an elevator. Strangers love it. Mostly.
7. The Coffee
How does a man's coffee feel every morning? Depresso. That's why I take mine black and strong, and I take it on the porch, where the coffee and I can both look out at the pasture and think things over.
8. The Deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. My hunting buddies have heard this one so many times they pay me to stay quiet in the stand. Hunters and anglers alike, by the way, will find something in Outdoors & Fishing.
9. The Skeleton
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. This was a big hit at my granddaughter's Halloween party. By "big hit," I mean one kid laughed, and I'm fairly sure he had a candy-corn sugar rush.
10. The Tie
My son asked me what I wanted for Father's Day. I said, "Nothing would make me happier than a new tie." So he got me nothing. Smart boy. Saved himself a trip. If you'd rather give your dad something better than a tie, I put together Hank's Experience Picks, and you'll find a whole drawer full of hand-chosen presents over in Hank's Picks.
Hank's Rules for Telling a Proper Dad Joke
A dad joke is an art form, and like any art form it has rules. Here are mine, for the young fathers out there just starting their careers:
- Commit. Deliver it with a straight face, like you're reading the weather.
- Pause. Let the silence hang there a beat. The groan is coming. Let it arrive on its own schedule.
- Repeat. A great dad joke gets better the eighth time. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
- Keep it clean. If you can't tell it to your mama at Sunday dinner, it ain't a dad joke.
Want more? I've got a whole page of 'em at Hank's Dad Jokes. Read 'em at your own risk. And if you're shopping for the funny man in your life, my Gift Guides will point you in the right direction.
Groan proudly,
Hank